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I've been scratching my cerebellum for days!
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Matt enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and
before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
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50's, 60's, 70's Rock and Roll Show
Two little boys, both aged nine, were set to appear in their first play. The first boy had to say, "Ha fair maiden, I've come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope." The second little boy was to say, "Hark! A pistol shot!"
On opening night, the two boys were very nervous. It was their first time on stage and their parents were in the front row. The first little boy came out and said, "Ha fair maiden, I've come to kiss your snatch and fill your hole with soap."
The second little boy was so shook after the first kid goofed up, when he came out he said, "Hark! A pistol shit! A shistel pit! Cow shit! Bull shit! I didn't want to be in your damn play anyway!"
IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE MOVIE INDUSTRY
- Large loft style apartments are within the price range of most people whether employed or not.
- At leasst one pair of identical twins is born evil.
- If you should have to defuse a bomb, dont worry which wire to cut. You'll always choose the right one.
- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
- It doesn't matter if you're outnumbered in a martial arts fight. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you, one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner, until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
- If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at age 22.
- Honest and hardworking policemen are gunned down 3 days before their retirement.
- Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery, involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases and man eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
- All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets, that reach up to the armpit level on a woman, but only to the waist level on the man lying next to her.
- All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
- It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
- Once applied, lipstick will never rub off, even while scuba diving.
- You are very likely to survive any battle in any war, unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
- Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian Officer, it will not be necssary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent will do (It use to be an English accent for the German.)
- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating, but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- If a large pane of glass is visible, someon will be thrown through it before long.
- If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
- Word processors never disply a cursor on screen, but will always say: Enter Password Now.
- Even while driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readputs so you know exactly when it's gonna go off.
- A detective can only solve a case once he's been suspended from duty.
- If you decide to start dancing in the streets, everyone you meet will know all the steps.
- Policxe departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
- When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to each other in English.
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Here I'm approximately a mile away.
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